What flavor is your fear? A guide to how fear can serve us

April 17, 2014 By

Smile at fearRecently I experienced a situation where fear was an unexpected partner in the dance. Not in an obvious way, but definitely present. In fact, I doubt that anyone involved (including me) recognized at the onset that fear was part of the situation. That troubles me because we will not change what we cannot see. And we won’t see what we are afraid to see.

There it is – FEAR. I have been reminded that to be successful personally and professionally, one of the core things we must develop is a healthy relationship with fear. Why? Because fear can be a positive energy, a partner for change.  But before that can happen, we need to engage fear as our ally.

The first step is to recognize that all of us experience fear. Every day. Let’s get some clarity about the many faces and flavors of fear. As I was researching this I found at least 45 synonyms for the word fear from one search.  45! That’s quite a few flavors. And when you move on to all of the additional terms and phrases, the list is literally endless. That tells us something. We get to choose some things about fear in any given situation. We get to put a specific name to our fear. Once we do that, it becomes easier to see it within a context that will allow us to counter and/or leverage it.

The second step is remembering that fear is a basic human response. We are born with fear as a primal response in recognition of danger and for self-preservation. Over time, we allow fear to become the danger itself and to be come self-limiting.  We need to remember that fear is not an absolute predictor, fear is just an alert mechanism that tells us we need to look at something before making our choice. Going back to our first point though, remember that in this context, fear does not have to remain a reflexive response. Fear can create choices in how we respond. As with any choice, once we recognize we are in a decision moment we know by default we have the power to make a different choice.

To help better demonstrate this, let’s look at 10 of the “flavors” of fear and an alternate choice for each of them:

Fear Power Response   Personal Power Response
anxiety   vs. calm 
aversion   vs. kindness
concern   vs. contentment 
doubt   vs. faith 
dread   vs. courage 
foreboding   vs.
assurance 
suspicion   vs. trust 
timidity   vs. confidence 
unease   vs. ease 
worry   vs. happiness 

Now on to our guide for making fear our ally.  Fear is an incredibly powerful emotion, even in these forms. It can distort our vision, perception and ability to act. In some cases, the fear is clearly invalid and we are able to just choose another response. But in most cases, we will need to engage with our fear and allow it to guide us back to our personal power. That is done using the right questions.

For example, if you are timid in certain situations it won’t be as simple as “I will choose confidence over being timid”.  Most likely, there is an underlying reason you are timid. The key will be to ask yourself what steps you need to take to develop confidence. Instead of focusing on the fear (being timid), focus on the alternative (confidence). First you will have to identify where you lack confidence. You will be able to look at what kinds of situations bring out that timidity and determine why. With that, fear becomes your ally. It allows you to see where you lack confidence, take the necessary steps to restore confidence and then thank your fear for its service and send it on its way!

Each one of the words listed above can leverage this process. Let’s look at unease. What is it about this situation creating unease for me? Are those things true? If so, are there steps I can take to be at ease? If so, what are they.  Take those steps, thank your fear (unease) for its service and send it on its way! If you cannot define steps that will help you feel at ease, recognize your unease as a “do not enter” warning”, thank your fear (unease) for its service and send it on its way! Over time, this becomes a more automatic reflex action for you.  Just remember that skill grows from use over time, not time alone. Put this into practice!

When we embrace fear for what it is meant to be – an alert to potential danger – we can leverage it to change outcomes and set ourselves up more effectively for success.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Possibilities & Perspective, Winds of Change Tagged With: , , , , ,

3 Keys to a More Satisfying Life & Work

March 12, 2014 By

Old keysMultiple studies have shown that over 50% of people no longer find satisfaction in their life or work. In fact, they are becoming increasingly unhappy. While specific reasons vary, they generally fall into one of three categories:

1-  They no longer feel like a meaningful contributor;

2-  They are no longer comfortable taking risks;

3-  They did not plan to be where they are at this point in their life.

What about you?  On a scale of 1 to 10 – where is your life-work satisfaction meter registering?  If you are in that 50% that is dissatisfied, it is time for you to look more closely at your situation and determine what steps you can take to reclaim satisfaction in your life and work.

There’s another facet to realize about these three indicators and how they each can accelerate the others. Are you in the first group but find that the second point keeps you from taking action? Or perhaps you are in the third group but due to the second point, you are settling for far less than you can accomplish.  You see, these really do go hand in hand. Think of them as gears, one turns the other.  Not satisfied with what you are doing?  Too unsettled to fix it? Feeling trapped and without choices?

If this is you, the first step is going to be to take responsibility for where you are and stop allowing yourself to fall prey to victim thinking. I can share with you that when it was first put to me in those terms, I was insulted.  In fact I reacted badly until I realized it was in fact true. I was allowing myself to be held hostage. I was a functioning victim of the economy and settling for someone else’s idea of how to define and deal with risk in my own life.

So what can we do about this?  Consider with me these three basic keys to going from dissatisfied to satisfied:

  1. Commit to total honesty & self awareness
  2. Commit to being open to a new way of seeing everything
  3. Commit to taking responsibility and action

That’s it – three key ideas to consider.  If you are willing to make those three commitments, then get on board.  Your journey is about to get interesting and yes – satisfying.  Always remember, there is more value in the rest of your story than you ever dreamed possible. And if a different perspective would be helpful, we’re always here to help as your possibility partner.

Live well. Live today like you want tomorrow to be.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Possibilities & Perspective, Success & Significance, Winds of Change Tagged With: , , , , ,

How to turn “Once upon a time” into “Here and now”

March 2, 2014 By

When a story begins with the words “once upon a time…”, we expect to hear a fairy tale.  One of those stories where everything is extraordinary and the ending has everyone living “happily ever after”. But those stories also taught us a few character lessons when we first heard them as children.  They taught us courage, perseverance and doing the right thing.  We also learned that happy endings often come at a price, that there is sacrifice as well.

Over the course of time, we stopped remembering the middle of the story.  All we remembered was “once upon a time” and “happily ever after” and so we stopped believing in the fairy tale.

But what if once upon a time could be here and now?  What if happily ever after was not just for children’s stories?  What if we could lay claim to that?  I believe we can.  But we have to put the middle of the story back in.  We have to develop our story, we have to make the sacrifices, we have to slay our dragons.  In other words, we have to do the work.

For many years, any time I was asked to name my top five goals in life one thing on my list was always to write a book.  It was my “once upon a time” story.  And it was definitely staying in fairy tale land for me.  Why?  Because I wasn’t doing the work.  I had the desire but not the commitment.  I wasn’t willing to make the sacrifices I needed to make.  And then I was.

I started to do the work.  I signed up for some writer’s workshops, I participated in writer’s retreats and I started looking for mentors that would be able to guide me down the path of my dream to write that book.  I can’t really tell you exactly when it shifted for me but the shift did happen.  I went from talking about a book to actually working on my book.  I am writing everyday and working with an extraordinary editor and publisher.  It will finish in 2014!

But what really changed?  It wasn’t the desire.  It wasn’t even the skill although that is definitely being aggressively (and enthusiastically!) honed.  What changed is that I started to work.  I picked up that sword from the fairy tale and started slaying the dragons blocking my path.  And I made the sacrifices. My schedule had to make room for this.  That meant something had to go. The investments had to be made in time and money to make the “happily ever after” my “here and now”.

What is it that you want for your life that has been in that secret place or not so secret place of your mind that is your fairy tale?  What first step can you take to begin your work?  Here are four points to ask yourself to help get you from “once upon a time” to here and now”:

1)  You must believe it is possible

2)  You must believe it is possible for YOU

3)  You must be willing to do the WORK

4)  You must be willing to make the necessary SACRIFICES

I remember clearly one of the early lessons I learned from mentor Jim Rohn:  “When the promise is clear, the price becomes easy.”  What we have to remember is that the price remains.

To wrap this up, I’m going to borrow a quote from Sherri Shepard I will never forget as she was departing from the Dancing With The Stars competition about to start up a new season:

“And, I wanna say, to every person out there — that thing that scares you the most, that makes you say, ‘I don’t know if I can do it, I’m scared,’ run towards it because it’s so amazing on the other side.”

I agree.  There is nothing like being on the other side of once upon a time… here and now is unbelievably wonderful!

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Personal thoughts & insights, Possibilities & Perspective, Winds of Change Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Bringing the virtual world home…

February 18, 2014 By

Virtual officeOur lives are enriched everyday by people we have never met in person.  Whether through on-line classrooms, forums, social media or just by reading the stories of incredible people leading extraordinary lives, the influence of the stranger has never been greater.

When we have the opportunity to bridge that virtual space and bring that virtual world into our physical realm, there can be both excitement and a bit of trepidation.

What if we are disappointed?  What if THEY are disappointed?  This of course is the fodder of many discussions when relating it to on-line dating and other personal circumstances but what about when it’s your business?

We engage with people we’ve never met now as a matter of course.  In some cases, they know more about our lives and businesses than our families and friends.  But there is a growing shift to close those gaps.   Even if 90% of the relationship and it’s exchanges stay virtual, there is a definite emphasis coming back to getting eye to eye through video conferencing and face to face at conferences, expos, mastermind meetings and other networking events.

What a wonderful time we live in and how fortunate we are to have all of these marvelous tools at our fingertips!  But as with anything, the strategy we employ and the integrity we maintain will be the key factors in making certain that all of these wonders of technology are being used to an effective end and purpose.

Technology in and of itself is just the tool.  The craftsmen are still required for it to actually create the miracle and transform.

So as we go about our lives, virtually and where there is dust and dirt, let’s not lose sight of the fact that we are still all people with very real lives and dreams.  Virtual doesn’t change who we are.  It just changes how we meet, how we communicate and the opportunity to bring value to so many in so many ways.

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Personal thoughts & insights, Winds of Change Tagged With: , ,

Subject to change: More than you expected?

February 3, 2014 By

Future_ChangeThe subject of change is something I have been studying now for some time.  It is interesting to me how differently we each view change overall.  It’s also interesting that we don’t recognize all change in the same ways.  Some things that are obvious changes, we don’t even put in that category.

Here are five things that cannot be described as anything other than change and yet we don’t necessarily “categorize” them as change:

1)  Our calendar system.   Today is not tomorrow and tomorrow is not yesterday.  Each day is unique.  Every day we get a new one.  That is change.

2)  Our appearance.  We do not expect to look the same at 2 years old as we do at 20.  We also don’t expect to look the same at 50 as we did at 30 no matter how badly we might want it!

3)  The seasons.  Everything changes.  And depending upon where you live, they will change differently.  Having lived in different parts of the United States, I have experienced different seasons but one thing is for certain- there were always seasons.  They came around every year. And lately, even what happens within the season changes.

4)  Money.  This one is really a great discussion point.  We don’t expect to earn the same amount at 40 as we did at 20.  We don’t expect to pay the same thing for a car in 2013 as we did ten years ago.  We don’t even expect to pay the same price for a gallon of fuel from one week to the next.  We also don’t expect to pay the same amount for something at every store, every day.

5)  Time.  Constantly moving.  Forward.  We can’t turn back time.  And we can’t make it stand still.  It’s going to constantly be ticking away and changing.

If these things are obviously about change, why don’t we think of them as change?  I believe that it because of our perspective.  When we “expect” something to change, we are prepared for it.  We plan for it.  We even begin to look forward to it in many cases.

We look forward to future events!  We look forward to Fridays! We embrace changes in our appearance by evolving with them.  Whether it is changing our hairstyle, our wardrobe, or anything else.  It is part of what is uniquely “us”. The seasons each bring their own unique activities.  We plan our lives around those opportunities.  It starts becoming clear that anticipating change is part of what enables us to enjoy change.

How then can we transfer that perspective to our overall lives?  We can start with understanding that everything in our life is always subject to change.  And everything is always in a cycle.  Wherever we are, we are not meant to stay there.  And whomever we are, we are not meant to remain that person.  We are meant to grow.  That is change. Once we begin to anticipate change and plan for it, we will be at the place where we welcome it like the old friend it should be.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Possibilities & Perspective, Winds of Change Tagged With: , ,

Feeling Stuck? 9 Questions That Can Help

January 31, 2014 By

Ideas DirectionThere are times we want to move forward on an important goal but for some reason we just can’t seem to get started.  We want to take the first step but something is holding us back.  When we find ourselves in that situation, it can be useful to have a checklist of questions designed to help find the one log that is jamming our stream of action.

Here are some questions that have proven very effective.  Use them to self-coach your way out of “stuck” and onward to success!

The first step is to identify the place in your life where you are feeling stuck.  Remember, as with any coaching tool, the more specific you are the more powerful the exercise will be. Then get started!

  1. Are you crystal clear about what you want?
    • Sometimes we don’t know the first step because we don’t have a clear direction.
  2. What have you done so far?
    • There’s an assumption that if you’re “stuck” that you started.  If you haven’t started, go back to the first question!
  3. If you started and stopped, why did you stop?
    • This is a key step.  Did other priorities take over? Did you get overwhelmed? Examine why you stopped because if you know that and can deal with that, you will re-start with greater ease and be better prepared to prevent getting stuck again.
  4. What is one thing you know you can do today to move forward?
    • There is always something.  It can and should be a small step.  Those are the most effective.  And you will know what it is.
  5. Who has already done what you want to do?
    • Having an example to follow can save you time and give you a clear starting point. Just make certain they have actually done what you want to do.
  6. How did they do it?
    • Do your research! If you can, interview them.  Find out what they did FIRST!
  7. What resources (skills, contacts, tools) do you have that can help move you forward?
    • Have you taken inventory of everything at your disposal? Have you taken advantage of it?
  8. What options haven’t you considered?  Why not?  Even the impossible ones!
    • There are always one or two options that we immediately dismiss out of hand.  Go back and look at those options.  Make sure that if you believe they won’t work you ask yourself why.  What if it could work? What would my next step be. Quite often we find they will work.
  9. What decision have you been avoiding?
    • It’s last on the list because if you’ve gotten this far, somewhere there was a decision to be made that you avoided.  What is that decision? Why are you avoiding it? What can you do to give yourself permission to make it?

Somewhere in these nine questions you are going to find the one thing that is the ideal “unstuck” remedy for you.  And once you tackle that one – the rest are going to fall away and you will once again be on your way!

Each of us gets “stuck” for different reasons in different situations.  There have been times that I know I didn’t move forward because I was not willing to let go of something in order to move forward.  That might be a discovery at #3, #8 or even #9. But eventually I got to the root cause and you can, too.

#8 can bring about very new possibilities.  Ideas are sometimes not considered because they failed in the past or just seemed like too great a risk.  But times change and so do we.  Just because something failed in the past does not mean it will fail now. One of my clients had applied for a business loan years before and was turned down and was not even considering a small business loan for a new venture idea.  When we talked about what had changed since the original loan was declined and even talked about why the original loan was declined it was clear that the situations were very different.  She applied and was funded!  It’s an important step.

My personal favorite in discovery sessions is often #7.  We have these hidden gems in our life.  Talents, knowledge, people – so many resources! So often we don’t look at our own arsenal of options.  We focus on what is missing instead of what is ALREADY THERE!

So here’s my challenge to you:  Take stock of where you are in every area of your life.  Where are you not moving forward?  Focus there and go through these questions.  Amaze yourself!  Because you were born to be amazing! And if you’re ready for a possibility partner, let me know! We are here to help.

Filed Under: Learning & Growth, Possibilities & Perspective, Winds of Change Tagged With: , , ,
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